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RESIDE MUSINGS 



i TODD 





Book -^J-^^l 

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COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT. 



jFire^iiie Mvi^iM^ 



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Published by 

r^URRAY BROTHERS 

Washington. D. C. 

1908 



LIBRARY of CONGRESS 
Two Copies Received 

JUN 22 1908 
{/mtx. 9,1 f^^ 

CLASS, /if XXC. No. 

COPY B. 



.0/7 f^ 



Copyright, 1908, by Walter E. Todd. 



^^ 



WALTER E. TODD 



DEDICATED 

WITH SWEET REMEMBRANCE 

TO 

MY MOTHER. 



3(ntroJJurtnrg. 




HAVE great pleasure in com- 
mending this little volume to 
a reading people, which is but 
an expression of a tuneful 
soul. The Author has touch- 
ed upon the sympathetic, 
humorous and sentimental nature of man ; and 
in saying these few words to speed this effort of 
the author on its way to success, I do so, not so 
much for the intrinsic value of the conteuts, as 
to encourage a worthy young man who is en- 
deavoring to make a future for himself. 

There is much to be accomplished in the great 
field of literature and each attempt is a step in 
that direction. 

Trusting that others may view the presenta- 
tion of this work in a similar light, 
I am Faithfully Yours, 

Chas. F. M. Browne. 



Washington, D. C, 
April 11, 1908. 



3\xmit iiuBtngfi. 



Olijf (f ttarrfl- 



Now look here, Hannah, let me ask you, 

Who was that strange looking fellow 
I saw walking home with you 

Underneath that new umbrella? 
I didn't give you that umbrella 

For everybody's accommodation ; 
You've gone and disobeyed me, 

Now I want an explanation. 

"He was just an old acquaintance 

Whom I met by accident, 
It would have been unladylike 

If I had've tried to prevent 
Him from walking home with me : 

And I am sure there was no harm, 
For I have never yet deceived you 

And there is no cause now for alarm." 



I don't know so much about that, 

The smile you had upon 5^our face, 
Made me labor under the impression 

That I had lost my service place. 
Of course I dont want to doubt you, 

But there seems to be a change, 
Ever since you met that fellow, 

You acted rather strange. 

"Well I certainly like your nerve, 

The words you say disgust me : 
You tell me to my face 

That you are afraid to trust me. 
TaJ^e your ninety cent umbrella, 

I don't want no back talk, 
You've gone a little too far 

Now you can take a walk." 

Oh, Hannah, don't be so hasty, 

Please just give me one more show 
I've been telling all of the fellows 

That I was your only beau. 
Just stop once and consider. 

Please darling, don't turn me down, 
If you do, wh}^, I would be 

The laughing stock of the town. 

"I've been trying all I know how, 

Teaching 5^ou for months and months. 
That it is not a bad idea, 

Think twice before you speak once. 
But you heeded not my instructions, 

So go your way and I'll go mine, 
For I think that is the best way 

Then we will not quarrel all the time. 



Hannah, once more I implore you, 

If my actions you'll forgive, 
I'll never hurt your feelings again, 

As long as I may live. 
If you don't believe me Hannah, 

All you've got to do is to try it, 
Then you'll find out it is true, 

For there is no cause to deny it. 

"I will give you one more trial, 

But you better cut your cards straight, 
For I tell you now candidly, 

Such actions I won't tolerate. 
Now let by-gones be by-gones, 

And start our friendship again. 
But if you do that way any more, 

You pleadings will be all in vain." 

Oh, Hannah, how can I thank you, 

For those words of consolation ? 
They certainly sound real good to me. 

And I enjo}^ your conversation — 
Bless your heart, you little angel. 

Just too sweet for anything ; 
I am going to the jewelers 

And bring you a diamond ring. 



7. 



^mmh iomn. 



I guess you all are wondering why 

I am feeling so awfully blue ; 
If you had suffered what I have, 

You'd feel the same way, too. 
When I thought that I was traveling 

On the matrimonial sea. 
The girl that I was sparking with, 

Turned her back on me. 

If anybody had said to me 

She would have done such a trick 
They would have surely made me angry 

And would 've had me to lick. 
Why I held her in high esteem 

Thinking she was staunch and true, 
But she just took my poor heart 

And broke it half in two. 

I did everything I possibly could 

To make it pleasant for her 
Without even giving it a thought 

That such a thing would occur. 
I used to buy her pretty flowers, 

Ice cream, also fancy cakes. 
And not having the least idea 

That I was fat'ning frogs for snakes. 



8. 



I had my house all fitted up 

To make it look nice and cute, 
Even bought a new piano 

Also a new parlor suit. 
When everything was already, 

I asked her for her hand, 
Says she, **I am awfully sorry. 

But it belongs to another man, " 

At first I thought she was joking, 

But, says she, "Why it is so, 
I've been waiting for you to ask me 

But you were a little too slow ; 
As he put in his claim first, 

His offer I could not decline, 
I thought it was the best plan 

To make hay while the sun shines. 

Now that's a nice excuse to give, 

After all the things I've bought. 
And had my hpuse all remodeled ; 

Now it all must go for naught. 
If any one else tries to fool me, 

I'll tell them, it will never happen. 
If I don't, I hope somebody 

Will just give me a good strapping. 



©t|p EtuaL 



A new rival has appeared, 

He's got all of the fellows scared, 
For fear their sweethearts will turn them down. 

They don't know what to do. 

Thinking their sweethearts won't be true, 
Ever since this fellow struck the town. 

I went to my girl and said, 

"Now look here, don't you lose your head 
Just because that man is fascinating." 

Says she, "Why I am siirprised at you, 

I'll never swap the old for the new, 
Why, such a thing I'm not contemplating." 

The first to whom he paid a call 

Was Josephine Rebecca Small ; 
She got stuck on him at the first jump. 

Bill Johnson used to be her beau, 

But after that he had to go. 
When his rival called her his sugar lump. 

That made Bill so very sore, 

He went right after that man's gore, 
For he had spent all of his money 

On his little Josephine, 

Yet she served him awful mean. 
After telling him that she'd be his honey. 



lO. 



A party was given one starry night 

And everything was out of sight ; 
I was there with my charming little Sue. 

She looked as sweet as she could be, 

Dressed up like a Christmas tree, 
And I tell you I did cut a figure too. 

The rival came upon the scene. 

With the darling Jesephine ; 
And I tell you, them two babies did look warm. 

Dressed up in the latest style, 

Had all of us beat by a mile, 
And that couple just took the place by storm. 

That was more than Bill could stand, 

So he got mad to beat the band. 
And he went and got himself some fighting gin. 

And when at last he did come back, 

I'll tell you for an honest fact. 
The way he did that rival was a sin. 

The rival began to explain. 

But all his efforts were in vain. 
Bill's temper then was right at fever heat. 

He flung about his razor blade 

And every slash the razor made, 
Did'nt fail to find that rival's meat. 

Every one then took a part 

Except me and my sweetheart. 
We left there under two bells and a jingle. 

We did'nt go down there to fight 

So I think we acted right, 
For with that trouble we wished not to mingle. 

Some one then put out the light, 

Which brought about a free for all fight. 
In that place where everything was dark. 

Before the police quelled the riot. 

And everything had gotten quiet, 
Everybody in there had a mark. 
II . 



Well, after things had quieted down 
And that carved up rival had left town 

Bill went to Josephine, to her says he, 
"I am sorry th'way I acted, 
But I was almost blind distracted, 

When that man had taken you from me." 
So Josephine, she sweet, replies, 
"That fellow had me hypnotized, 

He had a rabbit foot, I do believe ; 
Now the past let us forget. 
And I will always be your pet, 

For never will I you again deceive." 



12. 



®i|^ ^MUx WnUv. 



Have you ever written a letter for any one 

And the}^ had to tell you what to do ? 
Well , if you have not, you needn't be anxious 

For it's a hard proposition, I tell you. 
I wrote one for a friend of mine 

Who had a sweetheart in town, 
And I wasn't sorry when I got through, 

For here is what he told me to put down. 

"Just say to her, my dear darling, 

I know you look sweet and cute, 
I take my pen in hand, because 

I can't take it in my foot ; 
I hope this letter will find you well 

And give my love to all ; 
Tell my parents when you see them, 

I will be home in the fall. 

Everything down here is just as nice 

As any one could desire. 
And give my best regards to 

Uncle Josh and Aunt Maria ; 
It makes me feel so lonesome 

Whenever I think of you, 
Strolling down the lane with me 

Like you used to do. 



13- 



"The fruit down here is plentiful, 

It is not ripe as yet, 
But just as soon as it gets ripe 

I'll send you some, dear pet. 
I milked a cow on yesterday 

And also climbed a tree, 
And everybody's trying to make 

It pleasant here for me. 

"I went with Cousin Johu last night 

To call on his dear Sue, 
But let me tell you, she is not 

The half as sweet as you ; 
She hasn't got them coal black eyes 

Nor that captivating smile ; 
And when it comes to etiquette, 

You've got her heat a mile. 

' 'Tell brother to be a good boy 

And not be always fighting. 
So please excuse all my mistakes 

And also the bad writing ; 
Now I must bring this to a close. 

It's all I have to say. 
Do let me know if you can send 

An answer right away." 



14- 



®ijf 3FattIfful log. 



Yes, he is only a dog, but ah, let me say 

I will stand by him to the end, 
Because he saved me from a watery grave, 

And forever I'll be his best friend. 
How did it occur ? I'll relate to you, 

Although it makes me feel ashamed. 
To think how he risked his life to save mine 

When no one but I was to blame. 

It was on a time, I remember so well. 

When poverty came to my door, 
There was not a crust of bread in the house ; 

Because by my being so poor. 
There was my dog howling for food ; 

With his wishes I could not comply. 
Because I had nothing to eat for myself 

And his wants I had to deny. 

I tried hard to find some work to do, 

But all my efforts were naught ; 
So rather than have my poor dog starve, 

The river was the next place I sought. 
Then calling my dog who looked up at me 

Not having the faintest idea 
That I had contemplated taking his life. 

Thinking there was no need to fear. 



15. 



So down to the river my dog and I went, 

Although it was against my will , 
For to take his life, which I could not give, 

When the good Book says, "thou shalt not kill. ' 
Then tying a stone around his neck 

To hurl him to the depth below, 
The brink that I stood on, it gave away 

And in the river I fell also. 

To call for aid it was all in vain, 

For there was nobody in sight 
To rescue me from such a sad fate, 

There I was in a terrible plight. 
Not knowing how to swim, what was I to do ? 

Must I die and be heard of no more ? 
For I had given up all hope you see 

And my death seemed certain for sure. 

But Providence came at the opportune time. 

For the string on the stone came apart 
And the dog seeing the peril that I was in. 

He right after me made a start. 
Then grasping me as I went down the last time. 

He saved me from a horrible death ; 
There was no one else to come to my rescue 

And my life was saved by a hair's breadth. 

Could I look my dog square in the eye 

After trying to take his life ? 
I could not for my conscience hurt me so, 

As though I was pierced with a knife ; 
But when he saw that my life had been saved 

This fact he seemed to realize 
For he gave such a bark that I really could not 

Stop the tears from coming to my eyes. 

i6. 



So in conclusion, permit me to say, 

Don't never treat the dog cruel, 
But treat him as though he were your own child, 

For I tell you that he is a jewel. 
He will guard your house when you are asleep, 

And will always prove faithful and true, 
So take my advice and always treat him nice 

For he will never go back on you. 



^ttsan. 



Look here, Susan, tell me truly, 

Don't I go with you? 
i\nd don't I hold the best hand, 

When it comes to woo ? 
Isn't you my sugar plum ? 
Say, yes, that's right, don't keep mum ; 
That's what I call going some. 

Yes, indeed, I do. 

You're just as sweet as you can be, 

Glory hallelujah ! 
Your lips would sweeten a cup of tea 

Like granulated sugar. 
Watermelon and cantelope 
With you in sweetness can not cope, 
You smell sweeter than a cake of soap, 

And I'm not trying to fool yer. 



17. 



I am going to ask you for your hand, 

When I am a little older, 
I won't be so bashful then ; 

For my heart will be much bolder. 
And if you say that you'll be mine 
And will love me all the time, 
Then I will be right in line. 

Just like a brave soldier. 

Now let me hold your left hand. 

And look at your finger, 
I want to put something on there 

That will be a ringer ; 
When the fellows see it, they'll be so sore 
That they will almost want my gore, 
But their jealousy, I'll ignore. 

And wont that be a stinger? 

Now this will be the most diflScult task, 

I don't know how to start 
To go to your father and to ask 

Him for your hand and heart. 
But when I do I'll not be scared. 
For I must not lose my head, 
Because you, dearest, I must wed. 

And never more to part. 

Well I guess I had better go. 

My, how the time does fly 
When you are enjoying yourself; 

There now, dear, don't cry. 
I'll come to see you again soon, 
Perhaps, tomorrow afternoon ; 
Then some more we both can spoon, 

Good bye, sweet, good bye. 

i8. 



iiy Itatt at tl|f ^tl^aal 



One day I visited the school to see 

How the scholars were progressing, 
And the way they answered my questions 

It was actually distressing. 
They showed no intellect whatever, 

Which was trying as could be 
For every question that I asked 

They just made fun at me. 

I did not talk about agriculture 

Nor thought about the onion, 
But asked one little boy, 

If he knew anything about Bunyan. 
Says he, "Why, no sir, I do not. 

But you should ask my father. 
He has two of them on his feet 

That gives him lots of bother." 

So I called up the grammar class 

That had a large attendance. 
Says I, "Can any one of you 

Tell me what is a sentence?" 
So one little boy held up his hand, 

Says I, "Tell me without fail." 
"A sentence," says he, "Mr. Teacher, 

Is thirty days in jail " 



19 



Well I thought I would talk of botany 

Which grew upon the bower ; 
So I says to a little girl, 

"Which is your favorite flower?" 
She hesitated for a while 

And this is what she said : 
"My favorite flower is the kind 

That makes the nice hot bread." 

The next I questioned was a lad 

That looked alert and bright. 
I says to him, "Can you tell me 

Why you go to bed at night ?" 
He hesitated for a while, 

This was his answer, says he, 
"The reason I go to bed at night 

Because it can't come to me." 

So then I said to another boy, 

"My lad would you object 
To telling me why the boy 

Stood on the burning deck ?" 
Says, he, "Why certainly I will, 

I'll tell you, Mr. Brown, 
Because you see it was too hot 

For that boy to sit down." 

Well one scholar came in rather late. 

Which I thought was a crime, 
I says to him, "Come tell me, boy, 

Why you are behind time?" 
So he looked at me sarcastically 

And answered with a grunt, 
"The reason is because you see, 

I wear my watch in front." 



20. 



Then I said to a little boy, 

If prosperity you want to win, 
Always make this your aim in life 

At the bottom alwaj-s begin. 
Says he, your advice is all right, 

But will you kindly tell 
Me how must I begin at the bottom 

If I wanted to dig a well ? 

So one little boy looked awful sad, 

As though he was in pain ; 
All at once he hollered out, 

Oh my it is in vain ! 
What is that in vain, I asked in surprise. 

This is what he said to me : 
When I said, it was in vain 

I meant the letter "V." 

So then I asked a little boy, 

The last but not the least, 
Will you tell me my little man 

Why the sun rises in the East ? 
Says he, why certainly, I will 

For I am always keeping wise : 
The reason is because you know 

Yeast will make anything rise. 



21. 



sinking. 



A fisheniiau one day got down his tackle 
And wended his way to the brook. 

After he had fixed his bait 

So patiently, he did wait, 
As he shouted to the fishes, "Get the hook." 

A pie baker once called on his sweetheart, 
Says he, "I hope that I am not unjust, 
But now I've finished my trade," 
As flushingly he said, 
"I am now a member of the upper-crust," 

A car conductor was before the Judge 
Looking very lonel}^ in despair ; 

"Your honor, Judge," says he, 

"I am accused wrong, you see. 
For all that I have taken, it was fare. " 

A young man attending a soda fountain ; 

Sa3^s he, "Don't think I am trying to ridicule, 
But if any of you feel warm 
My duty I'll perform, 
Just call on me and I'll treat you cool." 



22. 



A hat maker one day, making a speech ; 

Says he, "I am here to make you all feel grand 

For if music you want to hear, 

I can fill you with good cheer, 
By presenting you with just a simple band." 

A tailor one day said to a customer, 

"I made your pants fit neat 'round the foot, 

So your bill now you must pay 

And let me have it right away. 
If 5^ou don't, I'll have to enter a suit." 



®I|? i^arrtag?. 



I got married the other night 

To a girl just out of sight : 

She is just as sweet as she can be 
She surely looks good to me. 

There is not a girl in this town 

That can hold this girl down. 

If you don't believe it, come with me, 
Then for yourself, you'll see 

That this one girl is w^ay out there, 

And is fascinating for fair ; 

She beats the other girls by a mile 



23. 



With that captivating smile; 
All the fellows in this land 
Tried to win this baby's hand ; 
But I gave them all a chase : 
By doing so, I won the race. 
The other fellows, all got sore, 
Because she did not them adore 
Not enough to be their wife, 
They almost wanted to take ray life ; 
They did not scare me not one bit 
Because I knew I was just it. 
How I won her was this way : 
It was on a summer's day. 
We were strolling through the park, 
I felt just as gay as a lark. 

This was the very difficult task. 
For her hand, I had to ask ; 
So I got me a drink of gin. 
For that girl I was bound to win. 
The reason I drank the gin you see, 
I was as bashful as I could be ; 
After I had drinken that good old toddy 
I was brave as anybody ; 

I looked at her and boldly cried, 
•'Would you like to be my bride?" 
Says she, "O dear this is so sudden," 
And then she looked like she was studging 
Up some question, you see, to suit 
My question, I had asked so cute. 
Then at last, says she, "It's true 
I've always kept my heart for you." 

When she said that, well, goodness me, 
I just nearly danced with glee 
To know that I had come out best ; 



24, 



She loved me better than all the rest. 

I went to her father right away, 

These are the words to him, I did say ; 
"Mr. Gray, I came here to ask you 
For the hand of your daughter, Sue." 

Says he, **Now, does you love my child?" 

Then says I, "Well I should smile." 
Then take her now and be happy, my boy, 
And may your hearts be filled with joy." 

The next thing was the preparations 

And sending of the invitations. 
All the neighbors were invited 
For everybody seemed just delighted 

To be there at such a marriage ; 

They came for me in a carriage. 
I was ready and all dressed 
In my Sunday-go-to-meeting best; 

And when the wedding march was played, 

In she marched all arrayed 
In her pretty wedding gown, 
And her veil all hanging down. 

Well, when she marched up that aisle, 

WMth everything right in style, 
I could hear the people proudly say, 
Well, just look at Susan Gray ! 

Now don't she look nice and sweet, 

Almost good enough to eat !" 
Of course I came in for my share 
For I was just away out there, 

In my long Prince Albert suit, 

I was looking extremely cute ; 
The maid of honor and best man 
Were looking fine, to beat the band. 

So when we reached the preacher's side, 



25 



Everybody quiet, when he replied, 

"Wilt thou take this woman to be thy wife, 

To love and cherish all through life, 

In sickness or health and forsake all others, 
Mother, Father, Sisters and Brothers, 

And always willing to foot the bill ?" 

Then, says I, "I surely will." 

Then turned he to the bride and said. 
Who looked sweet and not a bit scared, 

"Wilt thou take this man to be 

Thy husband, and love him tenderly ; 
And cook his meals, also dessert?" 
Says she, "I will," so sweet and pert. 

"Have you any reason," the preacher said, 

"Why this couple should not wed ? 

Speak now or hold your peace forever." 
"Did anybody object ? Well, never !" 

So after the knot had been tied, 

Of course the preacher kissed the bride' ; 
Then congratulations came in showers, 
Which kept us busy for two hour>, 

Shaking hands and kissing, too. 

It was exquisite, I'll tell you. 

Then to the feast, we all did go 
Where everything was fine, you know. 

Such good eating you never saw. 

We ate until we could eat no more. 



26. 



SIj? Ifggar. 



The streets were crowded on a Christman Eve, 
When all of a sudden I chanced to perceive 
A woman in rags all tattered and torn, 
And she looked quite hopeless and forlorn. 
The crowd passed on without saying a word 
Then all of a sudden, I softly heard 

A childish voice from the mouth of a boy, 
That filled my heart with pride and joy. 
"Why, what is the matter!" the lad replied, 
"I am a poor beggar woman," she softly cried, 

I have two sick boys and my husband is dead. 
Please give me a few pennies to buy some bread." 
"Take this, and be welcome," replies the lad 
And he gave the poor woman every cent that 
he had. 
"M)' father gave me this for to buy some toys, 
But I would rather help you and your two 
little boys." 
"O, thank you, my lad," she softly said, 
"Now I will be able to buy me some bread." 
But as she turned to go, the lad replied, 
"Come home with me and I will provide 
Something for you and your boys also ; 
For my parents are willing to help you I 
know." 



27. 



And they walked side by side down the street, 
When suddenly another lad they did meet 
"Oh, Freddy, here's a lady with two sick boys 
Will you so kindly help to share their joys?" 
"No," said Fred, as he looked with a frown. 
There is too much begging going on in this 
town." 
"Why Fred," said the lad, with tears in his eyes, 
"To hear you talk that way — I'm surprised. 
There is a true saying, you should not forget, 
Remember you are born, but not buried yet 
You don't know what you'll come to before 

you die." 
Fred stood motionless and made no reply. 
So my friends be ready to help the poor 
And there will be a star in your crown, I am 
sure. 



28. 



OInntentm?nt 



Out in the cold and dreary street, 

Hat on my head and shoes on my feet ; 
Nothing to wear but the best of clothes, 

That keep me warm wherever I go ; 
Nothing to sleep on but a cozy bed, 

Where I can rest my weary head ; 
Nothing to eat but the best of food, 

That can be bought in the neighborhood ; 
Nothing to ride in but an automobile, 

That carries me round as slick as an eel ; 
Nothing to warm me but a nice hot fire, 

Where I can warm to my heart's desire ; 
No one to talk to but a sweet little wife, 

And friends I've been knowing all my life 
Nothing to drink but the best of wine, 

That makes me feel good all the time ; 
Nothing to smoke but the best of cigars, 

That are handed to me over the bars, — 
So people you can see my predicament, 

How I shall live to my heart's content. 



29. 



®I|? I^appg (3ih larijflor. 



I am a happy old bachelor and forever will remain, 
Because I want no wife who is always raising Cain ; 
When anything goes wrong, the blame I need not bear, 
Like some couples that I know, forever pulling hair. 
I don't have to go to market with a basket on my arm 
And buy everything that's planted or is raised on a farm. 
But I go to the Hotel, when e'er I want to dine, 
And that's the only life that makes me feel so fine. 

I go out when I get ready and come in when I please, 
And aint obliged to crawl up stairs on my hands and 
knees ; 
Or fix up an excuse that won't bear its own weight, 
Or telling her that I was kept at business very late. 
I don't have to play Santa Claus like some men, you see, 
Buying trashy foolishness to fix a Christmas tree. 
But enjoy my own self to my own heart's content. 
And when I want to leave the house, I need not 
get consent. 

I don't have to get up nights to stop the kid from crying, 
To have to do that every night, it really must be trying; 

But quietly I lie in bed in truly sweet repose 

And when I wake next morning, I feel fresh as a rose. 
I don't want a wife to spend my money at her will, 
And have the goods charged to me and sending me the bill : 

If the collector brought a bill marked this way 
"C. O. D." 

I would not pay him one penny, but give him 23. 

30. 



I don't want to be bothered with children making noise, 
Of course I must admit the truth that boys will be boys, 

Let some one else just take my place who likes that 
sort of play 

And they are welcome to it all the livelong day. 
It must be an awful burden for some married men I know 
Who have to stay in just because their wives won't let 
them go 

Out with the boys to try to have a social jambouree. 

Do you think I like that ? No indeed sir, not for me. 

I don't want a mother-in-law to come and visit me, 
Because they are as meddlesome as meddlesome can be ; 
They'll interfere and nose in things they've got no 

business to. 
Just to keep your wife always a fussing after you. 
Some mothers-in-law are all right but they are hard to 

find, 
And when you come across one that is loving, sweet 
and kind, 
You can rest assured what you have done amounts to 

a great feat, 
Which should go down in history for that is hard to 
beat. 

Married life may be all right, of course I have no doubt. 

But I'll not marry any one, you see, just to find it out. 
If myself would be as happy as I would want to be. 
And if I thought it would be so then I'd agree 

To go and ask some young lady to give her heart and 
hand, 

To try to help me make my life to be happy and grand ; 
Then I would be happy the remainder of my life : 
But it is really difficult to find that kind of wife. 

31- 



®i|f Efapttnn. 



We had a great reception that was held the other night 
Where everybody enjoyed themselves to their heart's de- 
light. 
Nothing around here has been given that even could 

compare 
For I tell you those people were looking good for fair; 
Women dressed in silks and satins, men in their cuta- 
ways, 
Light pants, white vests and red ties , it was a sight to 
gaze 
On those people ; how they did enjoy themselves in 

that hail; 
You may not believe me, but it was finer than an in- 
augural ball. 
We had for music an accordian, guitar, banjo and a flute; 
You ought to have seen those folks how the}^ came out 
the chute, 
Waltzing, quadrille and break- down, also the Virgin- 
ia reel, 
And that ball room floor, I tell 570U was as slick as a 
fresh eel ; 
You had to be very careful in order to keep from falling, 
For if you wasn't, I tell you, right down you'd go a 
sprawling. 
I am sorry you were not present just to see how they 

did act, 
With their high-toned etiquette, it was a caution for 
a fact ; 

32. 



It was really one of the prettiest sights that I have ever 

seen 
For every one who was admitted surely did have to come 

clean . 

We all decided to have a little intermission, 
For if we hadn't it would surely have been an imposition 
On the men the way they played ; so we thought it 

was the best, 

Well, in fact v/e all were tired so we had to take a rest. 

So after we all had been seated and the conversing began, 

The ladies were so warm we had to cool them with a fan. 

If you had been there, just to hear the language that 

we quoted, 
I know you would have said that language must be 
imported, 
Using grammar dictionary and giving the right definition 
Nothing but the pure in heart could enter such conver- 
sation. 
It's too bad you wern't there, Ih ope you don't feel 

slighted ; 
If they should have it again, I'll see that you're in- 
vited. 
Then to the dining room we proceeded, where a great 

feast was spread, 
We had a cut glass bowl of lemonade and that was col- 
ored red. 
We had all kinds of sandwiches, little neck clams on 

the half-shell. 
All fixed up by a French chef from a first class hotel. 
We also had some stewed oysters cooked up in fresh milk, 
Novv^ let me tell you such good eating was just as fine as 

silk. 
We had a big fat juicy possum that was sent from way 
down South ; 

33- 



When I tasted it, why, it almost melted in my mouth. 
We also had some fancy crackers to go with the 

chicken salad ; 
Now let me tell you such good eating would tickle 
anybody's palate. 
We had some kind of French dish, but I didn't know - 

the name ; 
It made no difference to me for I ate it just the same. 
Well, we had three kinds of ice cream — strawberry 

chocolate and vanila ; 
Fancy cakes and French candy, ginger ale and sar- 
saparilla. 
We ate and drank until I thought my time had really 

come 
Because I tell you honestly I was taut as a bass drum. 
If you had seen us eat and drink, your hair would've 

stood up like a bristle, 
For it would have made you think our stomachs were 
surely artificial ; 
So we put on the finishing touches by serving coffee last; 
Bless your soul, now let me tell you, it certainly was a 
grand repast. 



34- 



^am M ^£mQl\ih. 



It was oue day on the street, 
The ground was covered with sleet 
And it was just as slipper}^ as could be. 
I laughed until I cried to see the people slide, 

It was funnier than a minstrel matinee. 
The people they got sore that they all wanted my gore. 

Just because I laughed at them you see ; 
Whenever they tried to stand on the ground they would 
land 
With a bump which nearly made me die with glee. 

Did I laugh ? You bet I did. 
Why the way those people slid, 
I thought into hysterics I would go ; 
Let me say this to you, for I believe it's true, 

Had you've seen it, you would have laughed I know. 
Though the laughing I tried to stop because there was 
a cop, 
And I was afraid that he would run me in, 
But the fun he seemed to enjoy, for he was once him- 
self a boy ; 
And up his sleeve I could see him grin. 

The first I saw was a young maid 
Walking as though she was afraid 
But her walking you see, it was in despair, 
She seemed to be unnerved, for the next thing I observed 

Her feet they went a-flying in the air. 
Well, at that I just hollered, on the ground I just wal- 
lowed. 
And I tried to look solemn now and then, 

35. 



But my actions she caught on, for she looked at me with 
scorn , 
For she was just as mad as a wet hen. 

Then a dippy dude he came along 
Whistling such a funny song 
As though he was leading a procession ; 
Putting on lots of style, but it lasted a short while ; 

For on the ground he made a great impression. 
Well I screamed with all my might until he wanted me 
to fight 
But I told him I had something else to do ; 
And his face turned awful red as he looked at me and 
said, 
"You better not let me get my hands on you. ' ' 

So I thought my laugh had ceased 
Until I saw a police 
Chasing a man with all the speed he could, 
But the man he was too fleet, and I saw the officer's feet 

Slip and he fell down just like a log of wood. 
Well I had to laugh some more and it made him awful 
sore. 
But I told him it made no difference to me, 
For this mouth it was my own, so just let me alone, 
I was laughing in a country that was free. 

Well the last I saw that day 
Was an old time country jay ; 
He was walking just as cunning as a fox, 
So carefully he crept and then made a misstep 

And down he fell just like a pile of rocks. 
Well, people, I just whooped, to see him loop the- loop ; 

I never laughed so much since I was a boy. 
If again it comes around, you can just put me down 
For laughing is one thing I do enjoy. 

36. 



©I|p ^gmpatljfttr JIuJigp. 



"Bring before me the next prisoner," said the Judge 

one day. 
And the bailiff departed for his duty to obey, 

And returned with a man who looked so sad and for- 
lorn 
With his steps so slow and weakened, his clothes all 
tattered and torn. 
"What brings you here?" said the Judge — ''Vagrancy, I 

suppose 
Or some other misdemeanor, the Lord in Heaven 
knows." 
"No, no, your honor," replied the prisoner, that is 

not the cause you see, 
When you hear this, I am sure you will sympathize 
with me. 
I have a wife and three children dependent on me for 

support, 
xA-nd never before in my life have I been before the Court, 
For three days there was nothing in the house for us to 

eat. 
And nothing is more pitiful than children crying for meat. 
I tried to find some work to do and I thought that I 

would freeze, 
I only stole thai bread you see for their hunger to 
appease. 
I was getting along so nicely, my home cheerful and 
bright, 

37- 



Until there came a change put our happiness to flight ; 
The Union went out on a strike and they all packed 

up their tools, 
I being a member of the gang had to abide by all the 
rules. 
I pleaded with them not to do so, telling them what the 

result would be, 
But they heeded not my advice and turned a deaf ear to 

me. 
After being out of work all the money I did possess 
Soon went for food and fuel and brought us to distress 
Piece by piece the furniture went until there was noth- 
ing more 
But an old mattress for us all to sleep upon the floor. 
The landlord dispossessed us when I got one month 

behind 
In paying the rent, because work, was very hard 
to find, 
I asked him if he would wait and just give me a show. 
But his heart was made of stone for his answer, it 
was "no." 
Then we had to go and look for some place to stay that 

night. 
Without anything to eat. Judge, it was a terrible plight. 
We appealed to the neighbors but they could not take us 

in, 
Not because they did not want to, but their places were 
too slim. 
We tramped for several miles before we found a place 

to stay ; 
In a farmer's barn we had to sleep that night among 
the hay. 
Then my wife w^as taken sick and her life now hangs by 
a thread, 



38. 



And it would not surprise me to return and find that she 
is dead. 
My shoes are nearly worn out and I am also thinly 

clad. 
Oh judge, don't send me to prison for I know it would 
drive me mad. 
Think of my wife and poor children waiting and watch- 
ing for me 
To bring them something to eat. O Judge, do set me 
free. 
My children had to stop school not having clothes to 
wear 
To protect them from cold and their feet were almost bare. 
I do not mean to do wrong, but what else could I do, 
With no money to buy food and no work for me in 
view ? 
Now Judge, and Gentlemen of the Jury, suppose you 

were in my place ; 
Would you want to go to prison and forever bear 
disgrace ? 
Oh Judge, please let me go for my wife's and children's 

sake ; 
If they knew that I was here their little hearts would 
break. 
If you will only be considerate and let me off this time, 
I'll swear that never again will I commit another crime. 
Just think this is the first crime that I have ever com- 
mitted. 
And under the circumstances I think that I should be 
pittied." 
*'Your case," replied the Judge, *'I must admit is sad 

indeed. 
And I'll do all in my power to see that you are freed. 
I have been presiding in this Court for over twenty years, 

39. 



And 3'ou are the first person that has brought to my 
eyes such tears. 
Gentlemen, I leave his case into your hands," the 

Judge replied. 
"Now depart to the Jury room for his fate to decide. 
If you find the defendant guilty, I'll deal according to 
the law, 
If you find him innocent, I'll do the same and noth- 
ing more." 
The Jury then they departed and the verdict was 

brought in. 
Everybody was in sympathy, hoping the prisoner would 
truly win. 
When the foreman said, "Not guilty," and the Judge 
dismissed the case, 

"Thank God," replied the prisoner, "for that saves 
me from disgrace." 



40. 



IGtza Jlauf. 



You may talk about your sweethearts but just listen to me, 

I've got oue that can deliver the goods ; 
She is just as fascinating as an}^ girl can be, 

And she sent the other girls back to the woods. 
Whenshe is dressed in her glad rags looking good for fair 

And I with my silk hat and walking cane, 
You can see the other fellows look at us and stare 

When I pass by with my Liza Jane. 

We attended a party given by the uppercrust 

And let me tell you, we were looking warm. 
For everybody had to stop and cast their eyes at us. 

Because we just carried the house by storii]. 
They tried to iorm some excuse and said they had to go 

And not one of them cared to remain, 
The only reason I can say because they stood no show ; 

Because I was there with my Liza Jane, 

And Vv^hen she sings in public she is hard to beat, 

Well they just give her all kinds of applause ; 
You'll have to get there early if you want to get a seat, 

Because the house is crowded to the doors. 
Whenshe opens her mouth like the mockingbird's chirp, 

The music gives such very sweet refrain, 
I actually believe she eats only maple syrup; 

There is nobody got it on my Liza Jane. 

41. 



She plays on the piano with much grace and ease, 

Because she went to a conservatory, 
And the way her shapely fingers manipulates the keys, 

Would almost make you think you was in glory. 
When it comes to pieces recited from Shakespeare, 

Why the flowers from the gallery they just rain, 
Mantell isn't in it beside this honey dear; 

And I'll always be happy becase its Liza Jane. 

When I pay her a call she greets me with a smile 

And the other fellows they don't stand no show ; 
If any of them gets there first they stay a short while ; ^ 

When I appear they say, ''I've got to go." 
Then we are left to ourselves and have a social chat 

And, Oh my, how that girl can entertain ! 
I hope you will not think I am talking through my hat, 

For it's true what I tell you about my Liza Jane. 

So when I go and ask her father for her hand, 

I know that he will willingly agree. 
And there'll not be a happier person in the land ; 

Because she has promised her heart to me. 
When the minister appears to tie the nuptial knot 

I know the other fellows will have a pain, 
When they see me standing like Johnnie on the spot, 

To be joined in marriage to my Liza Jane. 



42. 



Sitting in my arm chair on a cold winter night 
While the log in the old fireplace burned bright, 

And watching the sparks as they came up one by one, 
Resting after my day's work having been done, 
While my wife sat near as she often did before, 
My little child a-rolling and tumbling on the floor ; 
It was a pleasant home and as cheerful as could be, 
To be there every night was a pleasure sure to me. 
One night as the bell tolled from the old town clock. 
While on the door came a timid faint knock. 
On opening the door there stood thinly clad. 
A man who looked so lonely and so very sad. 
''What brings you here," says I "just step inside;" 
While the man walked in and softly replied, 
"I came here to ask you for something to eat : 
For two days I've traveled this cold dreary street 
Without even having a simple crust of bread, 
Or even a place to lay my weary head." 

"Ah, thank you, my good man," he calmly replied, 
"And I hope some day the Lord will provide 
For a man that has such a big heart as you 
And I tell you, my dear sir, there are but few 
That will help a poor fellow who is in distress ; 
And I pray that you may reach the home of the blest. 
Perhaps you would like to hear the history of my past 
Of the life that I've lead and being an outcast. 
Well, my parents, they died before I was grown 
And they left me to battle with this cruel world alone ; 
They also left with me a much younger brother 
I being adopted by one family and he by another. 
I've not seen my brother since that sad parting day 

43- 



Because I was taken a many a mile away. 
If I only knew his whereabouts, how happy I would be, 
And I know he would manifest the same love to me 
Providing he is alive, but that I don't know ; 
Because we separated so many years ago. 
I shall always remember when he bade me good by, 
As he tried hard to keep back a tear from his eye, 

When he held out his hand and said, 'good by, Jack;' 
It was all that I could do to keep the tears back." 
"What was his name ?" says I, "will you kindly tell me?" 
While the man hesitated and at last, says he, 

"Why his name is Joseph and as fine as he could be 
And I tell you, my dear sir, he was very dear to me ; 
I've traveled for miles and can't find him anywhere 
And it looks as though I must give up in despair. 
He had a picture taken of himself and I 
And that would help me to him identify. 
Providing I should be successful in my trial, 
Although I have traveled for many a mile 
Without obtaining the slightest information, 
For I haven't heard from him since our separation. 
I also have a picture just the same as he 
And if I should find him. Oh how happy I would be." 
Says I, "May I see it, if you have it with you ?" 
"Why, certainly," says he, and from his pocket he 
withdrew 
A picture that corresponded with mine also. 
When I saw it, I exclaimed, "I am your brother Joe !" 
And all the man could say, "Well, well, is it you ? 
Why it sounds almost too good for it to be true : 
That my long lost brother for whom I've spent much grief 
Has been found at last and Oh, what a relief." 
So two brothers at last had met face to face 
In the humble home around the old fireplace. 

44. 



#m?fJljfarta. 



I have more sweethearts than anybody you ever saw. 

Well, actually the girls just say that I they do adore. 
But why it is I am really sure I do not know, 
That all of them want no one but me to be their beau. 

[ am not so good looking nor neither tantalizing, 

And that's the part that gets to me and makes it so sur- 
prising. 
The other fellows they are sore because there is no hope 
As the girls are stuck on me like a stamp on an 
envelope. 

If I go on an excursion, or even attend a fair, 
Somehow it always happens that all of them are there 
To see which one of them I am going to treat, 
And if I don't treat all, then at me tliey get sweet. 
But that makes no difference for it don't last very long, 
Because they all admit that they were in the wrong. 
Then we just make up again and become reconciled, 
And that is just what "gets" the other folks and 
nearly drives them wild. 

Now the first on the program, I will introduce to you. 
Is my charming little lady by the name of Sue ; 
Then comes another and her name is Ida, 
I am always happy when I am beside her ; 
Then I have another one and her name is Jane, 
When the fellows see me with her, it gives them such 
a pain. 

45. 



Then I met another one, her name is Marguerite, 
I tell you she is a winner and also hard to beat. 

I have another one by the name of Rosa, 

She certainly is a charmer and also sweet and rosy. 

Well I have another one and her name is Belle 

And when she comes out, my, does'nt she look swell. 
I've also got another one, her name is Isabella, 
She told me the other day, I was her only fellow. 

Still I have another one, and her name is Kate ; 

My, when she has on her good clothes, I tell you she 
is great. 

Another one comes up by the name of Eliza, 
She looks good to me all the time, I tell you I just prize 
her. 
Then I've got another one and her name is Hannah, 
Gee but has'nt she got the sweetest kind of manner. 
You've never heard of this one, her name is Maria, 
And she is the kind of girl that any one would desire. 
It gives me so much pleasure to tell you of my Grace, 
She wears the sweetest smile you ever saw on a face. 

I have another one, her name is Louise, 
And she is just as sweet as the honey from the bees. 
Perhapsyouhav'nt seen this one, her name is Gertrude 
Well let me tell you, that girl is always looking good. 
Then comes another by the name of Annette, 
I call her my sugar plum, she calls me her dear pet. 
Now another one shows up, and her name is Sadie, 
Well she is just way out there and also a fine lady. 

Another one of my girls, her name is Lillie, 
Well she just makes all the other girls look silly. 
And too I have another girl by the name of Geneva, 
She is so warm that she gives the other girls a fever. 

46. 



Then comes another girl by the name of Cora, 
If you were to see this girl, I know you would adore her. 
Well let me tell you of this one, her name is Amandy, 
She is just as sweet as a stick of peppermint candy. 

I have another one, her name is Elizabeth, 
And when I pass by with her the people hold their 
breath. 
I met a girl the other day, her name is Etta, 
Well that girl wrote me the sweetest kind of letter. 
Still I have another one and her name is Nellie, 
Why she is just as sweet as a plate of apple jelly. 

Now the last, but not the least is my sweetheart nam- 
ed Carrie, 
Really I've got so many girls, I don't know which to 
marry. 



A% 



a^I|f iitntstn* tn Sai|oitt3^JJ< 



I've received my appointment to a foreign land, 

And my duty I must go to resume. 
The credentials have been signed by the President's hand, 

And when I leave I will receive a boom. 
When I went for the papers, he shook my hands and said, 

"I am glad it is you because you are the only 
Man that I could trust to rule that country, 

I will send you as minister to Dahomey. 

When I arrive out there, I will be the real thing, 

Because no other like me will exist. 
My fingers and thumbs will contain a diamond ring, 

And all kinds of servants me e'er shall assist 
When my riding suit I don to go, 

A-riding all round on my Texas pony : 
Everybody will have to stand back, you know, 

And cheer me as minister to Dahomey. 

My bill of fare will be the finest to be had 

And my cook, you know, he must be up to date. 
For each morning I must have corn cakes and shad 

Brought up to my room at exactly eight. 
For lunch I'll have chitlings, crackers and ham, 

And my dinner will consist of maccaroni. 
With pig's feet and cabbage, beef stew and roast lamb ; 

That will suit any minister to Dahomey. 

48. 



My music will be a tambouriue and a flute, 

A mouth organ, triangle and Jew's harp ; 
For that kind of music will make ^^ou shake your foot, 

And all of it must be placed in B sharp. 
Then I'll have a fiddle, hand organ, bass drum 

And on my guitar, I will play salome, 
Then all will say, why, j^ou are going some, 

Who wouldn't be the minister to Dahomey. 

My throne wull be cut glass fastened with diamond screws 

And my crown will be made of solid gold. 
Then on my feet I will wear a pair of silver shoes, 

Which will be a sight to behold. 
And everybody out there must come at my command, 

For if they don't, I'll make them all feel lonely. 
And I'll carry out the order so they will understand 

As long as I am minister to Dahomey. 

When I take my royal seat in that country to rule, 

I'll have my staff forever by my side, 
For I must have a chariot drawn by a white mule ; 

Because that country out there must provide 
Everything I ask for, no matter what it may be. 

All of my drinks must certainly be foamy. 
Every diplomat must take off his hat to me, 

Then I'll be real minister to Dahomey. 



49. 



SCtBBtng. 



Some people say that kissing is a wrong thing to do, 
But let me tell you candidly, I don't believe it's true ; 
I think it's nice to have a girl you can visit every week 
And before leaving plant a kiss on her rosy dimpled 
cheek. 

In the home where kissing don't exist there isn't much 

life; 
Before a married man goes to work, he should have a 
kiss from his wife. 
And greet her in the same way when from his work he 

comes : 
For that is one thing that will help to make happy 
homes. 

If you should happen to see a lady coming down the 

street 
And just by accident another lady she should meet, 
"Why how do you do," they will say; there's one thing 
they won't miss. 
There would be something left undone if they really 
did not kiss. 

If a young man and his sweetheart should have a falling 

out. 
They'll stop speaking to each other and begin to pout. 
But after their anger has cooled off and like a little 

child, 
They will kiss and make up again and become recon- 
ciled. 

50. 



The man or woman that says they are opposed to kissing, 
Really don't know what good things in life they're miss- 
ing ; 
There is nothing any sweeter than a kiss and a hug, 
If any one likes it better than I, he must be a kissing 
bug. 

Often we read in the papers where couples go to law 
To settle their troubles after they've had a war ; 

After their testimon}^ has been given, the Judge will 

say at last, 
"Now, why not kiss and just make up and forget 
about the past ?" 

Some people tell me that stolen kisses are the best, 
So I think I'll try that method to see if it's only jest, 
And if I find out they are right, j^ou can bet that I'll 

get wise 
And steal one from my sweetheart when the chance 
will arise. 

For instance take a young man, who is ready to propose 
To a young Miss who has cheeks that look just like 
a rose, 

And if he has been accepted, it fills his heart with bliss, 
He shows his appreciation by giving her a kiss. 

You will see the little children in their innocent plays, 
Which brings back to memory of your happy child- 
hood days, 
When you used to romp and play and kiss in days of 
yore ; 
That makes you feel that you'd like to be a child 
once more. 



51 



Some people kiss on the cheek and some kiss on the jaw, 
But give me mine right at the place where they are 
intended for, 
That is right smack on the lips the place where they 
belong. 
And whoevever kisses otherwise are surely kissing 
wrong. 

The only time I think when kissing is out of place, 
When a young man falls out with his girl and she 
frowns in the face, 
He'll ask her to kiss and make up, then blood comes in 
her eye, 
She will answer him by saying, "Just kiss yourself 
good bye." 

'Thouh I do not know the place where kissing originated, 
But whoever brought it about should be congratulated. 
It matters not if it was intentionalor merely accidental, 
There are lots of reconciliations where kissing was in- 
strumental. 




52. 



INDEX. 

Page 

The Quarrel 5 

Turned Down 8 

The Rival 10 

The Letter Writer 13 

The Faithful Dog 15 

Susan 17 

My Visit at the School 19 

Joking 22 

The Marriage 23 

The Beggar 27 

Contentment 29 

The Happy Old Bachelor ..... 30 

The Reception 32 

How I Laughed • SvS 

The Sympathetic Judge 37 

My Liza Jane 41 

The Old Fireplace 43 

My Sweethearts 45 

The Minister to Dahomey 48 

Kissing 50 



JUN 22 1908 



